5

Getting ready to go home after a couple of days in Idaho.  I was kinda grouchy all the time.  Those clonazapam just make me groggy.  Can’t wait to get in the car and listen to interesting stuff.

3

Woke up irritated. Irritated that George is so stubborn about what schlocky thing he has done in the bathroom. Stubborn about putting people plates on the floor and taking Ziggy with us everywhere.  And leaving yucky bones around the house   Stubborn about the Church.  Stubborn about eating beef every single day.
He’s a little obsessed about kingfishers coning tomeat our koi.

Went to church and sat through a boring talk.
Stella called and was upset because tosha and deojanique are being mean to her,  not likely.

Had a good talk with Michael about how to handle Stephanie.

Each day I write down how I feel
Most of it is far from ideal
Small irritations
About my relations
Hardly any of its real

If I attend to what’s in the present
Instead of my thoughts omnipresent
It tends to deflect
Poison thoughts disconnect
Then life isn’t quite so unpleasant

Also on the podcast it was noted that most frustrations are because we are so self centered and the center of our own world.

4

Drove to Idaho yesterday.  Listened to Sam Harris interview Peter Attila.  Points: Emotions have a half life.  Who knew? Bringing yourself back to mindfulness is the key to well being. The goal is well being not happiness because happiness isn’t sustainable.

The Marlin

They went fishing in Phil’s fishing boat
To a part of the ocean remote
George, Richard and Phil
Just out for the thrill
Of catching a marlin and gloat
It didn’t take long when the line
Began to pull hard in the brine.
Pull the big critter close
Shoot its head, that’s just gross
And bring ‘er on in by design
Each guy had his specified duty
For seizing the sizeable beauty
George had the gun
Which left Phil undone
Thinking he’d shoot the line, not the booty.
So Phil took the gun and took aim
At the brain of the beautiful game
With rigor and vigor
Cocksure, pulled the trigger
Shot the line clean through, what a shame.
Quite relieved, the fish swam away.
The guys quite downhearted all day
Except for dear Phil
Who was madder than hell
Wishing he had let George slay the prey.

More Suicide Threats

Let’s see if I can remember them all.

The first one was when she was in high school.  I was scheduled to go to some sort of Parent Conference but when I got there she wasn’t there.  So I went home.  I knew something was wrong.  I can’t remember if she was back at school but I do remember getting her out of Algebra.  She had taken so many aspirin that she was sick and woozy so I took her to the ER to have her stomach pumped.I also scheduled therapy appointments which were disssapointing.

Was the second one in Las Vegas?  Her pimp dropped her so she took too many pills and ended up in the hospital.  We called Russell Carlson who lived in LV at the time and he got some Church people to take her under their wing.  I didn’t fly to her side.  We paid to fly her home and she made it back in time for our family reunion.  Then she met and married Frankco.  Whose girlfriend had his baby the day before step hand he got married.

I think twice Steph overdosed on pills then went to work and they had to call an ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital.  First time she went to LDS then UNI for a day or two.  Then she went to Pioneer.  I made George go that time.

Then there was the day she slit her wrists.  “Stella is in the back bedroom so she doesn’t know what’s going on.”

The next one was in Kentucky where she ran away to with John.There may have been two attempts there, a pill over dose and a gunshot wound to the hip.  She was in ICU for several days.

She also goes to the ER for various other ailments and issues. Instacare too.

4

Oh the chains that bind me and my child
Sometimes mild but mostly are wild
Agonizing and hectic
And purely genetic
My life has been sorely defiled.

A veritable roller coaster
Her face could be on a poster
A BPD model
That I mollycoddle
And end up popping out of the toaster. (I’m toast)

After high school

Went to Beauty school and Ricks College
Met Alton Wadsworth
Went to BYU and muddled to my Junior year
Married Al
HAd Brant
Divorce
Finish College
Met and married George
William
Move to California
Miriam
Move to Boise
Michael
Move to Shoshone
Move to Oregon Trail Heights
Noelle
Move to Autumn Way
Move to Cadillac
Richard
Second Cadillac house
Second Autumn Way House
Stephanie

Four. (On a scale from one to ten, today my mood is a.......)

Ive noticed my mood’s correlated
To those that I have created
Each day’s communication
With the next generation
Determines if I’m low or elated.

Of these chains I would like get rid
They make me a slave to my kid
It’s hurtful and hectic
But I think it’s genetic
And find me wherever I’m hid.

Finished Christmas shopping and wrapping, made menu for Christmas Eve.

But I also have a beautiful new grandson, James Richard Carey, born 30 days early.  I love him.

This week holds particular joy
Soars above the hoi polloi
It was a surprise
In all of our eyes
A beautiful new baby boy

4

December

Stephanie made it back to KY but I’m not so sure about her relationship with John.  Shall I just say “Oh well?”

I’m trying to get mom’s 90th birthday party invitations out and even Christmas cards after not sending them for so many years.  My motto of REDUCE AND SIMPLIFY went a little too far I think.

I’d like to write limericks again.

There once was a girl named Stella
Who’s sometimes the girl from Hella
With numerous issues
And numerous tissues
She takes meds to make her more Mella

It’s a start

We’ve found a good partial answer
This Stella’s a wonderful dancer
Dances her feet to the bone
She gets into he zone
And it serves as her best mood enhancer

She’s had a rough life, it is true.
Folks fighting, her homelife a zoo
It left her bereft
When her mom up and left
Her and her dad, Frankie too.

Lots of stuff

Stephanie and Yogi are asleep on the sofa,, both drugged.  I’m getting up at three in the morning to take them to the airport.  We took Stella home because she was getting oppositional.  We were playing her new Monopoly game, she got frustrated and started throwing and hitting a part of the game.  Would anyone want to play with her?  Her meds aren’t working as well as I’d hoped.  She had one good day at school last week.  Her dad bought tap shoes that were too large and she missed her last dance because of it.  Her mother was here visiting, and they spent the day at my house.  Everything was screwed up. But them again I’m always making excuses for her behavior.  She is a big part of my life and I love her so much and have investedmuch in her in time, money and love.  I will probably end up disappointed.  Again.  Poor me.

Thursday

Busy day.  Took Stella to therapy appointment and out to lunch.  Then visited mom.  We are planning a birthday party for her 90th birthday.  Then to Costco.  Then home. I’m tired.  George is home but off doing things for the kids.

Miscellaneous

Yesterday I took Amelia to gymnastics, Blaze pizza, then she came home with me and we just chilled.  Then I picked up Stella from school.  I was going to go buy food for the Food Banl but when Stella cam out of the school, she was carrying a big box of food that the Food Bank had given her.  They have Food Bank Day at Hillsdale elementary.  We took Amelia home then went out to eat at Chuckarama, yuck, then came home and hung out.  She did all her dances for me  and she dances beautifully.  She came over and hugged me and said, “This is what your money’s going for Grandma.”   That was rewarding.  Both Amelia and Stella.  When I took Stella home Yogi came running out and looked at me through the drivers side window soI opened the door and lifted him in.  He gave me loves.  Nice day.

Gave up on my MacBook and ordered an iPad on Amazon.  It’s probably all I need. Today I went to Dimple Dell and worked out a bit and it was great.  George left this morning.  We had a good weekend together.

Last week when Stephanie was suicidal, I called my doctor and got an anxiety med.  I’ll only take it when Stephanie is suicidal.

Think I’ll put my Christmas tree up

Ipad

George gave me his iPad.  Maybe I don’t need. Computer

Suicide Threats

I’ve been living with Stephanie’s suicide threats for 14 or 15 years. My body goes into shock for long periods of time.  That much cortisol can’t be good for you. Yesterday she left work to admit herself to the hospital but but didn’t go because she didn’t have a ride. That make sense?  Well I guess she’s obviously not thinking straight. Anyway I went back into cortisol shock and decided to call my doc.  I told the nurse what was going on and she said she would talk to a nurse and call me back. A nurse called me back almost immediately and told me I needed to back off emotionally and stick with my relationships with other kids, grandkids. There’s really nothing I can do. Just step away from it.  She gave me permission to just step away.  Which was better than a prescription. Until today. I’m stressed again. Wish I could talk to her every day.   Wish I could just step away.

Hard Day

Cursor broken again.  I have nothing to do.  Or rather I don't want to do anything.  Family coming over tonight for pizza Thanksgiving.  I'm making an apple pie.  A Damn Apple Pie.  A few years ago Browns were coming here for Thanksgiving Dinner and I had assigned the pies to Miriam.  But I couldn't help it.  I made an apple pie and it made her so mad she called it the Damn Apple Pie and it stuck.  George is coming today.  I went shopping yesterday and bought some stuff I don't like today.  Too form fitting.  Maybe I'll snap out of it.

Confused

Frankco said he won't let Steph have the kids because they had such a terrible time last summer.  And he's not sure she'll send them back.  Stephanie is such a mess.  Frankco said he can get full custody but hasn't taken the steps to do it.  So I got worried and asked him about it and he said "Oh, I won't keep the kids from her."  So what changed?  I take a risk every time I talk to him because he just runs to her and tells her I'm on his side.  I thought I was on the kids side.  I don't want any drama in front of them. But maybe I should just be on my side.

Stella.  She came to Idaho for Thanksgiving.  I had decided not to cross her at all especially with food issues.  It's hard. I took her to McDonald's and she ordered medium fries, ice cream and nuggets.  She wanted to order another medium fries and she ordered LARGE fries.  When I asked why she did that she said it was my fault because I wanted her to share.  I had asked her for one french fry.  She does no wrong, takes no blame.  She won't talk about when she was suspended.......it was the principal's fault.  Sometimes I feel like I'm raising Stephanie all over again.  Only Stephanie wasn't this frustrating until she was older.

So Stella:

Cons

Eating disorder, over weight
Doesn't take responsibility
Fidgety
Addicted to screen
Regresses to baby talk etc.
Controlling
Uses physical ailments to get out of things or get attention.

Pros

Intelligent
Affectionate

Post Thanksgiving

We had such a relaxing Thanksgiving.  And today everyone is just hanging out, going swimming, etc.  Today I am thankful for.............I can't think of anything I already haven't thought of, that is not redundant. I'm thankful we had Thanksgiving without conflict.  I'm going swimming.

My mantras

Feeling good again.  My blessing today is that we bought 7 flowering crabapple trees that George is planting today.  Looking forward to spring.

Favorite word: Enough

Mantras

Don't believe everything you think

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Feeling good again.  I've been thinking about wasting time.  Maybe it's  a culturally relative concept.  Are we wasting time if we aren't making progress or helping others?  Am I wasting time if I'm sitting on the sofa vegging?  Letting my body go to pot?  I don't know if it makes much difference in our lives or anyone else's.  So what if it takes a month or year off my life?  I try to do some good for someone everyday,  It's usually George or mom.  I find little inconsequential things to do like work on my blue camel.  What determines importance?  The effect it has on me or others?  The end.  For today.

I woke up this morning in a dream.  Outside my bedroom window is a view of the Snake River with steam coming off it.  The flora around the river and the house, has frost on it.  The house is in a beautiful, secret, charming, still spot of the world,  "that quiets the dragons of worry and fear."

But when I stay too long I worry about Stella.

Three Happy Days in a Row!!!! Why? I dunno.

I'm getting up and keeping busy puttering.  Picking up stuff.  Cooking dinner.  Taking care of little things I've been ignoring.  Enjoying being in Idaho.  Eating shaved ice.  Planting Brunnera.  Wiping surfaces.  Working on my mosaic camel.  A little.  Sweeping.

I had a career.  When Stephanie went to kindergarten I decided I needed a job.  I had a Bachelor's degree but no one cared.  It didn't count for much so I decided to go back to school and get a teaching certificate.  So I drove down to BYU Salt Lake and found out it would take two years.  On the way home I decdied to stop at Jordan School District and ask about teaching jobs.  They had me talk to George Welch, who was an assistant superintendent.  He asked me what my undergrad degree was in, and when I told him Psychology, he took me right down to Fulvia Franco's office.  She was the Supervisor of the School Psychologists, and still is.  She said it would take two years to get my Master's and School Psych Certificate. But I would start at the top of the pay scale.  No brainer.  I went home and started the process. GRE prep classes, GRE, application,   interviews,

People Who Are Worse Off Than Me

Shanone Sargent: Her daughter is mean to her and she supports her totally financially
People who lost everything in California fires
People who have children or family members murdered or who murder
Anyone who works under President Trump
People in prison
People with disabilities or disfigurements
Davalee Miller: leveled by meningitis and her mentally ill son
Melania Trump
Laura Blum
Sarah Vernon and her kids
Susan Powell
Audrey McCalls husband
Mom
Starving People
Sex Slaves, kids
Prudy's daughter-in-law
Physical impairments, obesity
Dakoty and family.  Their dad shot and killed by police


If I can't be grateful for the life I have, I can be thankful for the lives I missed.

What? No aches or pains?

Woke up with no aches or pains and happy.  We are celebrating our 43rd anniversary today by doing our traditional celebration:  going out to eat, going to a basketball game and staying over night in provo. 

One year when we celebrated in Provo, we decided not to stay overnight and came home.  The house was smoke filled, and full of high teenagers.  And the scroungiest marijuana salesman.  They all scattered.  Even Noelle, the instigator.  Richard was downstairs in his room.

MY FAVORITE WORD

When I was a young girI, I wanted to be

A pic of perfection for my family

So I’m writing this rhyme for posterity

So they know what I wanted myself to be:

I wanted calm (til I wanted to scream)

I wanted  wise (but don’t know a thing)

I wanted  structure (can’t keep a routine)

I wanted  nice (but am sometimes mean)

I wanted confident (but often regress)

I wanted  funny (my jokes are a mess)

I wanted gourmet (often fail at cuisine)

I wanted tidy (it never stayed clean)

I wanted healthy (drink too much caffeine)

I wanted industrious (am basically lazy)

I wanted sane (but am basically crazy)

I wanted righteous (rebellion crept in)

I wanted smart (sometimes witless and dim)

Yes, I aimed for perfection (but it was too tough)

So I ended up being ……..good enough.

Bet Birthday Party Ever

If the noise level of a party is an indicator of success, Stella's party last night was a huge success.  The reason we didn't have it at Chucky Cheese is because it's too noisy, but Im glad everyone had fun.  Stephanie told Frankco that she was going to take Yogi when she came and he told her he was going to cancel the party if she came, and I told her she could come if there were no conflict at the party.  So she didn't come but she is suicidal.  So that put a damper on the party but Stella didn't know.  She just had fun.

I woke up aching all over and watched Marilyn's kids for a couple of hours today because her babysitter flaked.  Then I took a nap

ps.  We made slime at the party.

Pills for:

Depression
Osteoporosis
High Blood Pressure
Diarrhea
Indigestion

Gads!!!!!!

Reasons I have a charmed life:

Two beautiful homes
Smart, capable, loving kids
Adorable grandkids
Nice and not boring husband
Financial comfort
Not too fat
Car that doubles as a safety vest in construction zones
Good education and career

Slime

Slime has overtaken the world.  Well, maybe just my grand daughter, Stella.  I'm planning a slime birthday party for her. 

Aches and Pains

Sleep doesn't even help anymore.  My hip and shoulder hurt.  Ibuproferen and my shock treatment are my friends.  If I hadn't retired would I have been in this bad of shape?

George asked what time I wanted to leave to come home from St. George.  I said 8 or 9.  I was ready by 9.  We were invited to stop by Carlsons for dinner, which we did.  We had a plan to say we had to meet Noelle by 2:30-  He didn't do the Noelle plan and we didn't leave until 4.  Fortunately I fell asleep.  Then we went to Costco to get a pizza and gas.  The plan:  I'll get gas and he can get the pizza.  I got gas in 5 minutes.  It took almost an hour to get the pizza and I waited.  Then Noelle came and brought the van back.  George was going to take her back home but wanted to do a ten minute bike ride with Ziggy.  He never came home so I took her even though I was exhausted.  He never says he's sorry and when I get mad at him he gets mad back.  But I don't care. 

Change of perspective

I thought I was going to be dizzy for the rest of my life but I got better and we went to St. George to vacation with Richard and family.  Having so much fun! Life is good!!

So Chapter Four?  High School

Sightly better.  Drama was a trauma.  The teacher was a big overconfident gay guy.  I went to a couple of classes then checked out.  But the sophomore class elected me to be the Skit Chairman for Homecoming.  I wrote a very clever skit but it was so messy you couldn't read it.  I took it in to the big guy and he sighed and approved it.  We got second out of three in the competition.  They gave me one more chance in Junior year but it was worse.  So they didn't give me a chance in Senior Year.

So I tried out for the choir and didn't get in  because I was breathy so my friends advocated for me and voila!  I got accepted! It was a great experience participating in musicals and starting a trio with two of my singing friends which caught on as the class trio.  We sang at assemblies, dances that we didn't get asked to, and graduation activities, commencement, etc.  We were good and even had a Smothers Brothers routine which was hilarious.  We were asked to sing in Sacrament Meetings almost every week.  Good friends.   Good times.

In high school I did have a couldn't decide between them so they both dropped me in a very mean way, a Halloween basket full of insults.  I think I actually liked Tom best, but it was so fun going to a Homecoming Dance with Jim who was Homecoming King.  Tom had asked me to Junior Prom and stood me straight up.  The rest of my love life involved unrequited experiences, like Stuart who fell for Deidra and I don't blame him.  He asked me to the Senior Prom the day before the dance and we didn't speak a word all night.  I was so immature.  He was tall, dark handsome, smart, a basketball player........

My insecurity prevented me from taking Senior World History, the best class in the high school and the best college preparation.  I was terrified of college preparation, or just the word college maybe.

They were only letting 10 girls out of three hundred, in Pep Club the year I tried out, and I actually made it?  Why?  I had the loudest yell in the school.  What a point of pride!

I got decent grades and took some interesting classes like Home Economics where we learned how to sew, set a table, and made and wrap a peanut butter sandwich, skills which have been crucial in my life.  Well maybe not the peanut butter sandwich.  That is so easy it doesn't even qualify as a skill.

Word Study has really helped me.  We learned so may facts and roots of words.  And of course, 3 years of French.  I was in French class out in the Stadium classroom when I found out President Kennedy had been assassinated which was incredibly shocking!  Everyone remembers where they were when this event occurred.

Oh that reminds me I also took Geometry out in the stadium and I flirted with John Galloway so much that the teacher actually made me a dunce cap and made me sit in the corner.

Oh man, I just remembered TWIRP week.  That is an acronym for The Woman is Required to Pay.  We waited on the guys for a week which ended with a girls choice dance.  I was in charge and did so many unapproved activities that I was reprimanded by the Assistant Principal who was my mother's brother's wife's dad?  I was out of control.  I just remember the activity involved the cafeteria and water.  Water balloons?

I drove the 1952 Studebaker to school because I was taking early morning seminary and going to play the piano for Primary after school.  I took five out of four seminary classes ( two years of Book of Mormon)  and was a terrible piano player.  I don't know how the kids could sing to all those mistakes!  Maybe they didn't.  hahahahahahah  The Studebaker was popular with my friends because hardly anyone had a car to drive.  My parents let me drive it because I was doing church stuff.  I used to go pick up my friends for activities and once used Louvonne Hart as a hood ornament while I drove down the street.  Mom said it was the worst thing I ever did.  Poor ignorant mom.

In the summers I went to Excelsios Beauty School and hung out with the bad girls and mostly just hung out not ever learning how to do hair.  It was beauty school where I drank my first Coke and hear swear words every day.  It was an education I probably could have done without.  But I did meet two of my best friends there, Erlene and Prudy.  Yes Prudy.

VERTIGO CHAPTER TWO

Three days of vertigo.  Three days in bed. One day of nausea.  Slowly improving with Epley Maneuver.  I thought I was going to be dizzy the rest of my life.

My father lived in Idaho Falls during the week leaving mom with three little kids.  She put a lot of pressure on him to get a house in IF, which he did, without having her look at it first.  She said she didn't particularly like it but it was our home for 2 decades.  I walked to second grade along the huge and swift Idaho Canal.  In fact our Church was on the other side of the canal and then down a road. we took a shortcut on a skinny little catwalk over the canal.  Lucky me I never even got a drop of Idaho Canal on me.  Ever.  Even when we were throwing rocks and playing around on the bank.  Other kids weren't so lucky and drowned, maybe one a year.  I crossed the canal on the car bridge four times a day as I walked to school, home for lunch, back to school, then home again after school.  Alone.  My second grade teacher, Mrs. Hart, was the best teacher in my entire education.  She was so kind and noticed I was huddling in a corner during recess.  After recess she would remind the class that they needed to look around for lonely people on the playground and include them in our activities.  That didn't work but how nice of her.  Mrs. Hart had her second graders memorize three things, rules of phonetics word for word, the Hallellujah chorus and the Gettysburg address.  Can you think of any more important things than those? 

We sat in alphabetical order so all during elementary school I sat in front of Deidra McMillan, a very popular girl.  She acted like she liked me and laughed at my jokes.  She was so important to me, an insecure girl.  We were even friends all through high school and she was as close to popular as I ever got.  I was too immature and silly.

All I remember about third grade is being the last person in the the class to finish a math paper.  When you finished you were to go stand by the wall so the whole class was standing around watching me be stressed and humiliated.  They cheered when I finished which was no solace.  Also I remember that Pam Davis went up to the teacher's desk and projectile vomited all over her.

Fourth grade our teacher quit in the middle of the year, which was devastating.  Our new teacher was a young guy with acne who taught us Polynesian songs and dances.  One day when I went home for lunch, I brought back a whole box of kittens that my cat had just delivered, without asking him.  He was upset about it and told me to take them straight back home.  Maybe he didn't like kittens.  Meany.

Fifth grade was the art year.  Our teacher, Mrs. Hogg was middle aged with white hair, and loved, loved, loved art.  She had a good nature and didn't fit her name at all.  So it was a good year.  It was also the year I fell in love with Chip Hobson and we traded dog tags.

Sixth grade was also kind of a disaster.  Mr. Sherwood showed me how to grow bacteria on petri dishes.  I exposed the dishes to various things, put them in a bag and placed them in a dark cupboard.  When it was time to display our science projects, I opened the cupboard and it was full of blue, green and brown bacteria on steroids. and it had a matching smell.   It had expanded to fill the closet and was gross.  I was still "with" Chip.

George was coming from Idaho to go to Lake Powell with his sisters on Thursday.  Probelm:  It's today!

I drove George's utility van when I came home last week.  He said he had vacuumed all the flies out but there were hundred, yes hundreds that came out of the woodwork when I started my journey.  I stopped at Walmart and bought pesticide and fly strips and by the time I arrived home I had three flytraps literally covered with stuck flies.  The ride is much more pleasant without hundreds of flies buzzing  around you and landing on you.  Yuck!!!!!!

John went home to Stephanie last night.  So goes the soap opera.

Today I am having lunch with Ann Tolley.  She is my travel partner from the Panama Canal cruise.  She contacted me last week and wants to do an Asian cruise.  I'm alive again!!!!!!!!

Every time I drive home I try to take 17th East so that I can see two beautiful trees, a Dawn Redwood and an Autumn Blaze maple.

I had a fun weekend taking my grandkids to Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving Point.  Stella one day and Yogi, Ben the next.  Both days Michaela, Richard and the kids met us there.  Pure heaven.  

Finally!

Finally I figured out how to access this on my phone!  I’m at the River House, bored, doing little projects like organize cupboards, swatting flies, making stew from our slaughtered steer,and eating shaved ice, which strangely comforts me. Also it may be keeping me from gaining weight since it takes so many calories to keep me warm.

Stephanie update:  she lost her great job and her boyfriend moved out but she hasn’t even suggested suicide. I was catatonic for a couple of days and I’m getting tired of the constancy of her life of drama. I wish I didn’t care. And her daughter, Stella,  got in serious trouble at school twice last week keeps me miserable.  That girl has a bad, hairline trigger temper!

I took Quincy to dinner and shopping for her birthday last night. It was so fun, delicious and fun.


I can’t commit to anything because I’m always driving back and forth. And I don’t know what I would commit to if I could.  For once in my life I don’t have to do anything. So strange.

11:30 a.m. and I just hauled myself out of bed!!!!  I picked up Stella and Frankie on the way back from Idaho  Saturday, and we went to La Frontera for dinner.  Frankie cries loud when he's told no.  I had to take him out of the restaurant twice.  Neither child would go to sleep until 11:00 p.m.  So when Frankie woke up early I just took him back to Frankco.  But it didn't end there.  Stella does so many things that annoy me:  clear her throat like a lumber jack,  wants to stay by herself in the car while I run in the store, go the the bathroom during the movie two or three times, and get a drink three times, begs for an Icee,  She cleaned out her savings account and bought a doll. It seems like she did more annoying things than that.  She named the doll Stephanie.  Think Ill just eat ice cream all day.

Very bad day yesterday.  Stephanie got fired and her car broke down.  I sent her 1700$.  Michael called with news that Mercedes is miscarrying. 

I'm on vacation for the rest of my life, which means following my whims.  Michaela and I went to the Shakespeare Festival in Cedar City and stayed at the Big Yellow Inn, which is like a museum of interesting old stuff.  We saw two comedies and ate Peruvian food.  And listened to podcasts all the way there and back.  How fun is that? 

We have some renters in Charlie's house.  They seems really sharp and George has rushed them with best friendship.  He loans them everything and has even given them keys to our house, which they used to borrow pillows.  He uses them to watch the cows while he's gone and says they are going to paint our house, which makes me suspicious.  They even said they would wash our windows? Really.  If it's too good to be true..........

Last night Verl and Sondra came by to sit on our back porch.  Verl is old and decrepit and on oxygen which he has to take with him everywhere on a walker. Sondra is his full time caretaker.  So he sits there next to me and says that this is the best time in his life!  I guess he appreciates every moment.  We were talking about suicide and he was just saying that if he had ever died young he would have missed this wonderful time.   That was a perspective changer!  They haven't had an easy life, raising two mentally disabled boys who are now 65, their son died in a car accident, and they are farmers, to top it off.  Verl loves cows.  They come and pick our fruit and she cans it, puts it in bottles.  Wow!  She is a compulsive worker.  I love them.

Ockham's Razor.  I don't think George knows about it.  His good friend once told me that George has a tendency to complicate everything.  It was an aha moment.  You should see his computer setup.  It involves multiple computers and keyboards.  I don't understand it. And this morning he asked me to get his car detailed while I'm in Utah.  He offered to call Al to arrange it.  Al is just a renter in his warehouse.  He's a mechanic but not a car detailer.  George said the detailer is also a renter in his warehouse, but he doesn't have his phone number.  Go figure. 

So once I started a gratitude journal.  Today I am grateful for shaved ice.  It calms me to eat it, keeps me hydrated and I have my suspicions that it is helping keep my weight down.  Maybe I have frozen my tastebuds. Or it just takes a lot of energy for my body to keep up my body heat.

I really love the River House.  It's a mental oasis.  Lots of plants, trees, shrubs, and flowers.  The swimming pool is a great attraction; we've had lots of company this summer.  I appreciate the view of the Snake River out my back windows (which are huge)  I'm composting.  George is working his head off to put a deck around the pool......and house.  It's awesome to be closer to Miriam and her family.    I eat a lot of shaved ice.  It seems to reduce stress.  The house sat empty for five years.  The owners couldn't sell it (for 695.000) and Fannie Mae eventually took it over.  George had considered retiring in Hagerman and had been looking online for houses. The next time we visited Miriam, we spent a few hours driving around looking at them.  We were tired and ready to go home and George said he had one more but we didn't have to go look at it. I said we might as well.  We came to a long gravel driveway with a grove of trees at the end.  The old house was nestled in a grove of mature trees like it was hiding from the world.  It had a circle driveway.  George always wanted a circle driveway.  We couldn't get in so we just walked around.  Surprise (s)!  1.  A swimming pool.  I thought we could fill it with sand  2.  The entire back of the house was floor to ceiling windows with a great view of the river.  The room we could se inside was HHUUGGEE!!!  There was a pond in the living room which emptied under the foundation to a pool outside, both ugly.  George called the realtor who told us it was under contract.  I don't know why we weren't dissapointed.  We just drove away.  OK.  We told each other "It'll fall through"  Never did look online again for two or three months, but one Sunday night I was curious.  It was on the market again!!!!  I told George and he flew into action. Drove up to Idaho the next morning to make an offer, but the realtor said to wait a few days, Fannie Mae takes time.  George knew that was a bunch of bull.  He went to see Gary McCall and we made a full price cash offer.  The realtor had her own buyer on the hook but I guess they couldn't do a cash offer and we got it.  It was fast.  We didn't go inside the house until we had the keys handed over to us.  It is a lifetime project.  We have replaced the wraparound decks.  Made a bedroom and walk-in closet from space from the HUGE living room  It's still huge. put in new garage doors, painted walls and cabinets, built an airplane hangar, bought the two houses next to us., bought cows, built sprinkler systems, got new siding, bought furniture.  And on and on and on.

Guess what I did.  I took my really old mom and two really young grandkids to the River house without losing my sanity.  Mom was so confused she didn't even recognize her own apartment when I took her home.  Stella was well behaved although she got turquoise slime in my white carpet.  Miriam helped out by taking the kids to her house for 24 hours. I've never liked elderly people which is unfortunate since I turned 70 this year.  I keep thinking 80 is max for me.  I care too much what others think of me and I don't want anybody to not enjoy being around me.  So I'm thinking of my options. And what I want to do for the next ten years. What haven't I enjoyed?

The perfect evening:  The perfect temperature water in the pool  The perfect temperature in the air.  Good enough food.  Stella and Yogi and all the Browns. swimming in the pool.  A warm hug from my daughter.

I brought Stella, Yogi and my mother to the River House for Labor Day weekend.  Mom's short term memory is almost nonexistent.  I can't even count the number of times she has asked certain questions.  "Have you sold your other home?"  "How long have you had this house?"  "How am I getting home?"  "Are we taking the little dark boy?"  I need to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. 

Why did Stephanie cut me off?  I'm heartsick today.  Radical acceptance, radical acceptance.

Stephanie cut me off again because she wants me to be on her side. She asked me if I knew Frankco was going for supervised visits and I didn't.  I told her talking to Frankco stresses me out so I don't talk to him., for my health.  She's mad at George for deriding her for not getting round trip tickets for the kids.  I never told him Steph gave Frankco gas money.  She thinks we are not supportive.  After all these years, she's asking for more support than I have left.  Even if its just emotional support.  And I'm numb from so many gut wrenching crises.  And she needs money all the time.  And I'm tired of the pain.  But when these altercations happen,  she gets suicidal.  Which is always hanging over my head, but I'm tired.  And I know she has some mental issues, which I'm partially responsible for.  I did my best and actually think I was a good enough mom.  And even if she threatens suicide, I have nothing to offer.  I can barely be a grandma to her kids.

I told her I was angry at her.  I am angry to death.

She nickeled and dime'd me out of more than $6000 when she was in high school.
She went absolutely out of control when she left Frankco, shoplifting in front of the kids, promiscuity, stealing Go Fund Me money.
Running off to Kentucky with a guy she met online and leaving her kids with Miriam and I.  We took them back to Frankco.
Stella earned $55 dollars and Steph didn't have the money to pay her so I sent her the money and Steph never paid her.

But I'm numb.

August 27, 2018

Made it  back to Idaho last night after a fun sleepover with Stella and Yogi.  The feeling of this Idaho house is peaceful, slower, a great retreat.  Projects galore.  George completed the deck around the house which is so nice, and is partially done with the pool decking.  I put an add on Craig's list to rent Charlie's house last night, had 10 responses by this morning and rented it to a nice couple who just returned from a military stint in Germany.  I am excited to get to know them better.

I had my tarot cards read at Sunstone.  My three cards were 1)  Being at loose ends, not having direction  2)  curiosity and learning, 3) the Empress.  Then two more cards for clarity: A moon picture and of all things, the Emporer!  So am I an Emporer or an Empress?  The Empress is a mother figure.  The Emporer is a control freak.  I guess that makes sense.

I met Jeanine at Sunstone.  That's why I'm writing.  She presented a paper, Temple to Tinder.  I didn't go to it so I'll listen on podcast.  I talked with her a bit and poured my heart out.    That was innapropriate.

Getting my car fixed this week which is positive, but I'll be without a car until Friday. I had such a pleasant weekend with Michael and Mercedes.  I had a good talk with Mike about his business and about Stella.  Attended Sunstone which was fascinating as usual.  Take away:  I can define my own Mormonism:  Wear what I want, but be hyper friendly.  That guy even attended the Unitarian church every other weekend.  George and I went to the store this morning and when I got in the seatbelt was set for Ziggy.  He is such an annoyance. Such as: We have to take him everywhere and always have to drive around a parking lot to find shade. George spends time fixing him food.  He sleeps with us and whines when George and I are near each other.  George doesn't keep him on leash and he goes after people and other dogs.  He just being friendly, but they don't know that.  He ALWAYS takes him to Home Depot where they both get so much attention.  There is dirt on my car seats and floors.  Ziggy doesn't follow Georges command to get in the car until he repeats it a few times. 

My knee replacement is doing great.  Especially when I do my exercizes.

Every morning I'm so surprised that I'm older.  My hips ache and I have to walk bent over. I stay in bed until my caffeine pill takes effect. I don't want to get out of bed and really have no pressing reason to get up.  No one is depending on me to do do anything, and if they do I don't want to do it.  I know I'm Eyeore in human form.  George, on the other hand hits the ground running.