5

Getting ready to go home after a couple of days in Idaho.  I was kinda grouchy all the time.  Those clonazapam just make me groggy.  Can’t wait to get in the car and listen to interesting stuff.

3

Woke up irritated. Irritated that George is so stubborn about what schlocky thing he has done in the bathroom. Stubborn about putting people plates on the floor and taking Ziggy with us everywhere.  And leaving yucky bones around the house   Stubborn about the Church.  Stubborn about eating beef every single day.
He’s a little obsessed about kingfishers coning tomeat our koi.

Went to church and sat through a boring talk.
Stella called and was upset because tosha and deojanique are being mean to her,  not likely.

Had a good talk with Michael about how to handle Stephanie.

Each day I write down how I feel
Most of it is far from ideal
Small irritations
About my relations
Hardly any of its real

If I attend to what’s in the present
Instead of my thoughts omnipresent
It tends to deflect
Poison thoughts disconnect
Then life isn’t quite so unpleasant

Also on the podcast it was noted that most frustrations are because we are so self centered and the center of our own world.

4

Drove to Idaho yesterday.  Listened to Sam Harris interview Peter Attila.  Points: Emotions have a half life.  Who knew? Bringing yourself back to mindfulness is the key to well being. The goal is well being not happiness because happiness isn’t sustainable.

The Marlin

They went fishing in Phil’s fishing boat
To a part of the ocean remote
George, Richard and Phil
Just out for the thrill
Of catching a marlin and gloat
It didn’t take long when the line
Began to pull hard in the brine.
Pull the big critter close
Shoot its head, that’s just gross
And bring ‘er on in by design
Each guy had his specified duty
For seizing the sizeable beauty
George had the gun
Which left Phil undone
Thinking he’d shoot the line, not the booty.
So Phil took the gun and took aim
At the brain of the beautiful game
With rigor and vigor
Cocksure, pulled the trigger
Shot the line clean through, what a shame.
Quite relieved, the fish swam away.
The guys quite downhearted all day
Except for dear Phil
Who was madder than hell
Wishing he had let George slay the prey.

More Suicide Threats

Let’s see if I can remember them all.

The first one was when she was in high school.  I was scheduled to go to some sort of Parent Conference but when I got there she wasn’t there.  So I went home.  I knew something was wrong.  I can’t remember if she was back at school but I do remember getting her out of Algebra.  She had taken so many aspirin that she was sick and woozy so I took her to the ER to have her stomach pumped.I also scheduled therapy appointments which were disssapointing.

Was the second one in Las Vegas?  Her pimp dropped her so she took too many pills and ended up in the hospital.  We called Russell Carlson who lived in LV at the time and he got some Church people to take her under their wing.  I didn’t fly to her side.  We paid to fly her home and she made it back in time for our family reunion.  Then she met and married Frankco.  Whose girlfriend had his baby the day before step hand he got married.

I think twice Steph overdosed on pills then went to work and they had to call an ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital.  First time she went to LDS then UNI for a day or two.  Then she went to Pioneer.  I made George go that time.

Then there was the day she slit her wrists.  “Stella is in the back bedroom so she doesn’t know what’s going on.”

The next one was in Kentucky where she ran away to with John.There may have been two attempts there, a pill over dose and a gunshot wound to the hip.  She was in ICU for several days.

She also goes to the ER for various other ailments and issues. Instacare too.

4

Oh the chains that bind me and my child
Sometimes mild but mostly are wild
Agonizing and hectic
And purely genetic
My life has been sorely defiled.

A veritable roller coaster
Her face could be on a poster
A BPD model
That I mollycoddle
And end up popping out of the toaster. (I’m toast)

After high school

Went to Beauty school and Ricks College
Met Alton Wadsworth
Went to BYU and muddled to my Junior year
Married Al
HAd Brant
Divorce
Finish College
Met and married George
William
Move to California
Miriam
Move to Boise
Michael
Move to Shoshone
Move to Oregon Trail Heights
Noelle
Move to Autumn Way
Move to Cadillac
Richard
Second Cadillac house
Second Autumn Way House
Stephanie

Four. (On a scale from one to ten, today my mood is a.......)

Ive noticed my mood’s correlated
To those that I have created
Each day’s communication
With the next generation
Determines if I’m low or elated.

Of these chains I would like get rid
They make me a slave to my kid
It’s hurtful and hectic
But I think it’s genetic
And find me wherever I’m hid.

Finished Christmas shopping and wrapping, made menu for Christmas Eve.

But I also have a beautiful new grandson, James Richard Carey, born 30 days early.  I love him.

This week holds particular joy
Soars above the hoi polloi
It was a surprise
In all of our eyes
A beautiful new baby boy

4

December

Stephanie made it back to KY but I’m not so sure about her relationship with John.  Shall I just say “Oh well?”

I’m trying to get mom’s 90th birthday party invitations out and even Christmas cards after not sending them for so many years.  My motto of REDUCE AND SIMPLIFY went a little too far I think.

I’d like to write limericks again.

There once was a girl named Stella
Who’s sometimes the girl from Hella
With numerous issues
And numerous tissues
She takes meds to make her more Mella

It’s a start

We’ve found a good partial answer
This Stella’s a wonderful dancer
Dances her feet to the bone
She gets into he zone
And it serves as her best mood enhancer

She’s had a rough life, it is true.
Folks fighting, her homelife a zoo
It left her bereft
When her mom up and left
Her and her dad, Frankie too.

Lots of stuff

Stephanie and Yogi are asleep on the sofa,, both drugged.  I’m getting up at three in the morning to take them to the airport.  We took Stella home because she was getting oppositional.  We were playing her new Monopoly game, she got frustrated and started throwing and hitting a part of the game.  Would anyone want to play with her?  Her meds aren’t working as well as I’d hoped.  She had one good day at school last week.  Her dad bought tap shoes that were too large and she missed her last dance because of it.  Her mother was here visiting, and they spent the day at my house.  Everything was screwed up. But them again I’m always making excuses for her behavior.  She is a big part of my life and I love her so much and have investedmuch in her in time, money and love.  I will probably end up disappointed.  Again.  Poor me.

Thursday

Busy day.  Took Stella to therapy appointment and out to lunch.  Then visited mom.  We are planning a birthday party for her 90th birthday.  Then to Costco.  Then home. I’m tired.  George is home but off doing things for the kids.

Miscellaneous

Yesterday I took Amelia to gymnastics, Blaze pizza, then she came home with me and we just chilled.  Then I picked up Stella from school.  I was going to go buy food for the Food Banl but when Stella cam out of the school, she was carrying a big box of food that the Food Bank had given her.  They have Food Bank Day at Hillsdale elementary.  We took Amelia home then went out to eat at Chuckarama, yuck, then came home and hung out.  She did all her dances for me  and she dances beautifully.  She came over and hugged me and said, “This is what your money’s going for Grandma.”   That was rewarding.  Both Amelia and Stella.  When I took Stella home Yogi came running out and looked at me through the drivers side window soI opened the door and lifted him in.  He gave me loves.  Nice day.

Gave up on my MacBook and ordered an iPad on Amazon.  It’s probably all I need. Today I went to Dimple Dell and worked out a bit and it was great.  George left this morning.  We had a good weekend together.

Last week when Stephanie was suicidal, I called my doctor and got an anxiety med.  I’ll only take it when Stephanie is suicidal.

Think I’ll put my Christmas tree up

Ipad

George gave me his iPad.  Maybe I don’t need. Computer

Suicide Threats

I’ve been living with Stephanie’s suicide threats for 14 or 15 years. My body goes into shock for long periods of time.  That much cortisol can’t be good for you. Yesterday she left work to admit herself to the hospital but but didn’t go because she didn’t have a ride. That make sense?  Well I guess she’s obviously not thinking straight. Anyway I went back into cortisol shock and decided to call my doc.  I told the nurse what was going on and she said she would talk to a nurse and call me back. A nurse called me back almost immediately and told me I needed to back off emotionally and stick with my relationships with other kids, grandkids. There’s really nothing I can do. Just step away from it.  She gave me permission to just step away.  Which was better than a prescription. Until today. I’m stressed again. Wish I could talk to her every day.   Wish I could just step away.