The perfect evening:  The perfect temperature water in the pool  The perfect temperature in the air.  Good enough food.  Stella and Yogi and all the Browns. swimming in the pool.  A warm hug from my daughter.

I brought Stella, Yogi and my mother to the River House for Labor Day weekend.  Mom's short term memory is almost nonexistent.  I can't even count the number of times she has asked certain questions.  "Have you sold your other home?"  "How long have you had this house?"  "How am I getting home?"  "Are we taking the little dark boy?"  I need to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. 

Why did Stephanie cut me off?  I'm heartsick today.  Radical acceptance, radical acceptance.

Stephanie cut me off again because she wants me to be on her side. She asked me if I knew Frankco was going for supervised visits and I didn't.  I told her talking to Frankco stresses me out so I don't talk to him., for my health.  She's mad at George for deriding her for not getting round trip tickets for the kids.  I never told him Steph gave Frankco gas money.  She thinks we are not supportive.  After all these years, she's asking for more support than I have left.  Even if its just emotional support.  And I'm numb from so many gut wrenching crises.  And she needs money all the time.  And I'm tired of the pain.  But when these altercations happen,  she gets suicidal.  Which is always hanging over my head, but I'm tired.  And I know she has some mental issues, which I'm partially responsible for.  I did my best and actually think I was a good enough mom.  And even if she threatens suicide, I have nothing to offer.  I can barely be a grandma to her kids.

I told her I was angry at her.  I am angry to death.

She nickeled and dime'd me out of more than $6000 when she was in high school.
She went absolutely out of control when she left Frankco, shoplifting in front of the kids, promiscuity, stealing Go Fund Me money.
Running off to Kentucky with a guy she met online and leaving her kids with Miriam and I.  We took them back to Frankco.
Stella earned $55 dollars and Steph didn't have the money to pay her so I sent her the money and Steph never paid her.

But I'm numb.

August 27, 2018

Made it  back to Idaho last night after a fun sleepover with Stella and Yogi.  The feeling of this Idaho house is peaceful, slower, a great retreat.  Projects galore.  George completed the deck around the house which is so nice, and is partially done with the pool decking.  I put an add on Craig's list to rent Charlie's house last night, had 10 responses by this morning and rented it to a nice couple who just returned from a military stint in Germany.  I am excited to get to know them better.

I had my tarot cards read at Sunstone.  My three cards were 1)  Being at loose ends, not having direction  2)  curiosity and learning, 3) the Empress.  Then two more cards for clarity: A moon picture and of all things, the Emporer!  So am I an Emporer or an Empress?  The Empress is a mother figure.  The Emporer is a control freak.  I guess that makes sense.

I met Jeanine at Sunstone.  That's why I'm writing.  She presented a paper, Temple to Tinder.  I didn't go to it so I'll listen on podcast.  I talked with her a bit and poured my heart out.    That was innapropriate.

Getting my car fixed this week which is positive, but I'll be without a car until Friday. I had such a pleasant weekend with Michael and Mercedes.  I had a good talk with Mike about his business and about Stella.  Attended Sunstone which was fascinating as usual.  Take away:  I can define my own Mormonism:  Wear what I want, but be hyper friendly.  That guy even attended the Unitarian church every other weekend.  George and I went to the store this morning and when I got in the seatbelt was set for Ziggy.  He is such an annoyance. Such as: We have to take him everywhere and always have to drive around a parking lot to find shade. George spends time fixing him food.  He sleeps with us and whines when George and I are near each other.  George doesn't keep him on leash and he goes after people and other dogs.  He just being friendly, but they don't know that.  He ALWAYS takes him to Home Depot where they both get so much attention.  There is dirt on my car seats and floors.  Ziggy doesn't follow Georges command to get in the car until he repeats it a few times. 

My knee replacement is doing great.  Especially when I do my exercizes.

Every morning I'm so surprised that I'm older.  My hips ache and I have to walk bent over. I stay in bed until my caffeine pill takes effect. I don't want to get out of bed and really have no pressing reason to get up.  No one is depending on me to do do anything, and if they do I don't want to do it.  I know I'm Eyeore in human form.  George, on the other hand hits the ground running.

Things I never Dreamed Would Be In My Life

These are some things I thought would never be in my life:

Sexual abuse
Psychopathy
Weird husband
Divorce (Another Woman)
No Money
College degrees
Great Carreer
7 Children
Pornography
Condoms in the laundry
Refugees and black people
Men sneaking out of my daughters bedroom
Vomit outside her window
Coming home to a pot party
Leaving the church and non-belief for me and kids
Child living on streets
Prostitution
Drugs
Daughter stealing from me
Sons going to best schools
Miriam marrying Aaron
Rich and successful children
Domestic abuse
Hypocricy
Lying about important things
Two houses with views
Lots of property
Riding motorcycles
Traveling alone
Cafe au Lait grandchildren
Dying my hair red
Mental Illness (Borderline, Depression, Bipolar)
Having excess money
A unique marriage
Donald Trump for President
Stained glass
Getting fat and old