5

Getting ready to go home after a couple of days in Idaho.  I was kinda grouchy all the time.  Those clonazapam just make me groggy.  Can’t wait to get in the car and listen to interesting stuff.

3

Woke up irritated. Irritated that George is so stubborn about what schlocky thing he has done in the bathroom. Stubborn about putting people plates on the floor and taking Ziggy with us everywhere.  And leaving yucky bones around the house   Stubborn about the Church.  Stubborn about eating beef every single day.
He’s a little obsessed about kingfishers coning tomeat our koi.

Went to church and sat through a boring talk.
Stella called and was upset because tosha and deojanique are being mean to her,  not likely.

Had a good talk with Michael about how to handle Stephanie.

Each day I write down how I feel
Most of it is far from ideal
Small irritations
About my relations
Hardly any of its real

If I attend to what’s in the present
Instead of my thoughts omnipresent
It tends to deflect
Poison thoughts disconnect
Then life isn’t quite so unpleasant

Also on the podcast it was noted that most frustrations are because we are so self centered and the center of our own world.

4

Drove to Idaho yesterday.  Listened to Sam Harris interview Peter Attila.  Points: Emotions have a half life.  Who knew? Bringing yourself back to mindfulness is the key to well being. The goal is well being not happiness because happiness isn’t sustainable.

The Marlin

They went fishing in Phil’s fishing boat
To a part of the ocean remote
George, Richard and Phil
Just out for the thrill
Of catching a marlin and gloat
It didn’t take long when the line
Began to pull hard in the brine.
Pull the big critter close
Shoot its head, that’s just gross
And bring ‘er on in by design
Each guy had his specified duty
For seizing the sizeable beauty
George had the gun
Which left Phil undone
Thinking he’d shoot the line, not the booty.
So Phil took the gun and took aim
At the brain of the beautiful game
With rigor and vigor
Cocksure, pulled the trigger
Shot the line clean through, what a shame.
Quite relieved, the fish swam away.
The guys quite downhearted all day
Except for dear Phil
Who was madder than hell
Wishing he had let George slay the prey.

More Suicide Threats

Let’s see if I can remember them all.

The first one was when she was in high school.  I was scheduled to go to some sort of Parent Conference but when I got there she wasn’t there.  So I went home.  I knew something was wrong.  I can’t remember if she was back at school but I do remember getting her out of Algebra.  She had taken so many aspirin that she was sick and woozy so I took her to the ER to have her stomach pumped.I also scheduled therapy appointments which were disssapointing.

Was the second one in Las Vegas?  Her pimp dropped her so she took too many pills and ended up in the hospital.  We called Russell Carlson who lived in LV at the time and he got some Church people to take her under their wing.  I didn’t fly to her side.  We paid to fly her home and she made it back in time for our family reunion.  Then she met and married Frankco.  Whose girlfriend had his baby the day before step hand he got married.

I think twice Steph overdosed on pills then went to work and they had to call an ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital.  First time she went to LDS then UNI for a day or two.  Then she went to Pioneer.  I made George go that time.

Then there was the day she slit her wrists.  “Stella is in the back bedroom so she doesn’t know what’s going on.”

The next one was in Kentucky where she ran away to with John.There may have been two attempts there, a pill over dose and a gunshot wound to the hip.  She was in ICU for several days.

She also goes to the ER for various other ailments and issues. Instacare too.

4

Oh the chains that bind me and my child
Sometimes mild but mostly are wild
Agonizing and hectic
And purely genetic
My life has been sorely defiled.

A veritable roller coaster
Her face could be on a poster
A BPD model
That I mollycoddle
And end up popping out of the toaster. (I’m toast)

After high school

Went to Beauty school and Ricks College
Met Alton Wadsworth
Went to BYU and muddled to my Junior year
Married Al
HAd Brant
Divorce
Finish College
Met and married George
William
Move to California
Miriam
Move to Boise
Michael
Move to Shoshone
Move to Oregon Trail Heights
Noelle
Move to Autumn Way
Move to Cadillac
Richard
Second Cadillac house
Second Autumn Way House
Stephanie

Four. (On a scale from one to ten, today my mood is a.......)

Ive noticed my mood’s correlated
To those that I have created
Each day’s communication
With the next generation
Determines if I’m low or elated.

Of these chains I would like get rid
They make me a slave to my kid
It’s hurtful and hectic
But I think it’s genetic
And find me wherever I’m hid.

Finished Christmas shopping and wrapping, made menu for Christmas Eve.

But I also have a beautiful new grandson, James Richard Carey, born 30 days early.  I love him.

This week holds particular joy
Soars above the hoi polloi
It was a surprise
In all of our eyes
A beautiful new baby boy