The Pink Dress and the Snorting Contortionist

I snoop in thrift stores and cheapy stores and in these environments, creativity just oozes out of every pore. Take, for example, my pink dress. I found a long flouncy lace pink dress at the thrift store, and it took my breath away. I guess it spoke to my inner 60's flower child, but, ugly and outdated, I had to have it. First of all I cut off all those multicolored lace roses that served as buttons, because even with out the buttons, this dress is ridiculous. Then I took about five inches out of the sleeves, which made them more snug and and appropriate for this decade, if that is possible. Since then, whenever I shop, which is often, I have finding accessories to go with this dress in the back or front of my mind at all times. I have found some fabulous things. A Tommy Hilfiger denim vest that will lower the gook and raise the funky quotient of the dress. A muted pink and grey plaid cowboy shirt to wear under the vest. I found, get this, a pink sparkly animal print belt that looks absolutely stunning with the garb. Two scarves, and a grey sweatshirt for less formal occasions. I have been into the pink-dress-zone so deeply I forgot to notice that it didn't come with an under slip, so I shopped for something creative to wear underneath to make it modest. Actually you would have to be somewhat of a show off to wear this get-up, but not wearing anything under the dress would be crossing the line even for me. I settled on a long black slip. Sizzle. I'm having a more difficult time with shoes. If I were really brave I would wear high-topped Converses, but maybe I will just settle for some glitzy flip flops.

Once when Miriam had just come home from Spain, we went to the library together. We each went our way. I found a book about dogs and something funny made me want to laugh out loud. But, dang it, I was in the library so I tried to stifle it. That made it worse. It was so hilarious that my stifled laugh came out sounding a lot like a pig snorting. Which made me laugh and snort so hard, tears started streaming down my cheeks. Of course, I wanted to share all this hilarity with my daughter so I stood up and started walking toward her, snorting all the way. It was so funny that I had to cross my legs and bend over to keep from peeing my pants. Miriam said she heard the strangest loud noise in the library, and when she looked up to see what it was, to her alarm, it was her mother walking toward her, bent over, cross-legged and snorting like a pig with tears running down her face. She paused. She couldn't decide if there was something wrong with me and that she should get me to a hospital, or if I had completely gone off my rocker and she should get me to a hospital. She thought about calmly getting up and walking out of the library, not acknowledging any relationship with the snorting, contorted, crying woman. But, bless her heart, she accepted the humiliation of being my daughter to see if I was OK. I showed her the joke. "It's not funny, mom."

I think if I wore the pink dress in public, it would cause a similar reaction from my loved ones.

Mental Health Day

Every once in a while, maybe three times a year, I have to take a mental health day. Last night I went to bed at 9:00 and still couldn't get out of bed this morning. I couldn't face the oppositional defiant kids at school. I couldn't face the paperwork, and the responsibility of managing about 6 Behavior Plans, all while seeing about 60 students today and tomorrow. I couldn't face the fact that I had to go early to team meeting at one school during my other school's time, then run over to the other school. And yesterday I remembered I was the chair of the Anti-Bullying Committee at one of my schools. It was The Straw! I got out of bed, yes I did, got dressed.......and then crawled back in bed, fully clothed. I slept until 11:00.

So if I am going to take a mental health day I should do things that will make me feel more mentally healthy. I'll Brainstorm. Sleep. Exercise. Go outdoors. Meditate. Clean. Make bread. Why am I making list of things to do on mental health day?

I did go outside today to throw away some rotten tomatoes and heard some geese trumpeting their way South for the winter. I stood there until they came into sight, then watched about 100 beautiful birds flying in V-formation and cheering each other on as they flew into the South wind, a sure sign of a storm. The sound of geese isn't particularly pleasant, so then why is it so calming and healing to hear them honking at each other? It is one of the things I love about my home; it is in the path of migrating geese. They look and sound beautiful to me. And they make me want to fly south for the winter.

The Art of Massacring a Joke

There once was a guy named Artie. Artie needed money so desprately that he decided to rob a bank. He went to the first teller and demanded all her cash. "I don't have any" she said. He choked her and went to the next teller and demanded all his cash. "I don't have any" he said so he choked him and went to third one. "I don't have any," said the teller. He choked her and went to the last teller. "All I have is a dollar," he said. So Artie took the dollar and ran out of the bank. Newspaper headline that night: ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!

Very clever, don't you think? I loved this joke so I wanted to tell it to my neighbor.

" There was this guy named Artie who went into the bank and asked the teller for all her cash. She said she didn't have any, so he conked her on the head and went to the next one." "Mom," little Miriam tugged on my sleeve, "You are telling it wrong!" "Miriam, don't interrupt!" "When he asked the next teller for the cash, he didn't have any either, so he conked him on the head and went to the next one." "Mom, that's not what Artie does!" "Miriam! Leave me alone! I'm telling the joke." "When Artie conks the last teller and leaves the bank, the newspaper printed the following headline: ARTIE CONKS THREE FOR A DOLLAR. Oops. I mean he choked all those tellers.

That was years ago. The other day I thought I would give it another try.

"A guy named Artie goes to the grocery store and buys three artichokes for a dollar." HHHHmmmmmmm. I'm getting worse.

For the First time in my Life, I have Time

I killed half the grass in the front yard with Roundup just because I didn't have anything to do. I have seen some yards in downtown SLC that have no grass, just native plants and it's unique and attractive. And I decided to make the square garden in the front a white only garden so I'm digging out all the yellow and purple. In the front I'm putting Russian Sage, Valerian, Agastache, Blanket flower, Pentsemon, Cone Flower, Salvia, and Aster. And daylily, of course. There is room for 14 plants. In the white garden I have white iris, white salvia, Joan Senior daylily, daisies, Snow on the Mountain, Blue Fescue, Peonie, and today I planted some white tulips. I also ordered 3 white plants from High Country Gardens. Listened to LDS Conference today. Cleaned kitchen during morning conference and bedroom/bathroom during afternoon conference. Talked to Noelle, who is also bored. Maybe I should join a bookclub, or do something active, or anything. Since I quit dance, I've had time on my hands. Oh, yes, I'll be babysitting Stella on Tuesdays, going to the movie on Thursday with Noelle. Hmmmmmmmmmm.