The Pink Dress and the Snorting Contortionist

I snoop in thrift stores and cheapy stores and in these environments, creativity just oozes out of every pore. Take, for example, my pink dress. I found a long flouncy lace pink dress at the thrift store, and it took my breath away. I guess it spoke to my inner 60's flower child, but, ugly and outdated, I had to have it. First of all I cut off all those multicolored lace roses that served as buttons, because even with out the buttons, this dress is ridiculous. Then I took about five inches out of the sleeves, which made them more snug and and appropriate for this decade, if that is possible. Since then, whenever I shop, which is often, I have finding accessories to go with this dress in the back or front of my mind at all times. I have found some fabulous things. A Tommy Hilfiger denim vest that will lower the gook and raise the funky quotient of the dress. A muted pink and grey plaid cowboy shirt to wear under the vest. I found, get this, a pink sparkly animal print belt that looks absolutely stunning with the garb. Two scarves, and a grey sweatshirt for less formal occasions. I have been into the pink-dress-zone so deeply I forgot to notice that it didn't come with an under slip, so I shopped for something creative to wear underneath to make it modest. Actually you would have to be somewhat of a show off to wear this get-up, but not wearing anything under the dress would be crossing the line even for me. I settled on a long black slip. Sizzle. I'm having a more difficult time with shoes. If I were really brave I would wear high-topped Converses, but maybe I will just settle for some glitzy flip flops.

Once when Miriam had just come home from Spain, we went to the library together. We each went our way. I found a book about dogs and something funny made me want to laugh out loud. But, dang it, I was in the library so I tried to stifle it. That made it worse. It was so hilarious that my stifled laugh came out sounding a lot like a pig snorting. Which made me laugh and snort so hard, tears started streaming down my cheeks. Of course, I wanted to share all this hilarity with my daughter so I stood up and started walking toward her, snorting all the way. It was so funny that I had to cross my legs and bend over to keep from peeing my pants. Miriam said she heard the strangest loud noise in the library, and when she looked up to see what it was, to her alarm, it was her mother walking toward her, bent over, cross-legged and snorting like a pig with tears running down her face. She paused. She couldn't decide if there was something wrong with me and that she should get me to a hospital, or if I had completely gone off my rocker and she should get me to a hospital. She thought about calmly getting up and walking out of the library, not acknowledging any relationship with the snorting, contorted, crying woman. But, bless her heart, she accepted the humiliation of being my daughter to see if I was OK. I showed her the joke. "It's not funny, mom."

I think if I wore the pink dress in public, it would cause a similar reaction from my loved ones.